5 Reasons Your Story Isn't Working

     Sometimes a story just doesn't work.  You're typing along, lalala, story story story, and then suddenly, BAM you hit a wall!  Then it's goodbye story, hell-llo writer's block!
     The first step in getting your story back on track is to figure out why you're stuck.  Here are five reasons you may be having difficulties.

1.  You've lost your passion

     Sometimes the spark just goes away.  You lose interest in whatever gave you the idea for this story in the first place, you realize you don't really want to work with these characters anymore, you start to hate the genre it's in--whatever the reason, you lose the will to keep pushing forward.  When you just plain lose interest, it's hard to reignite it.  You could try reacquainting yourself with your story, reworking the plot, throwing in new characters--or you could put it away for a while and see if it calls out to you again later on.  It may have potential, but maybe your gut is trying to tell you something.

2.  You're using the wrong medium

     Some books are made for a Word document, some for pencil and paper, and some for carving into the cliffside with a rusty spoon.
     Different mediums create different actions, different motions, different moods, all of which affect the way you think about your story.  A slow-paced urban fantasy written in heavy dialect might call for longhand, but a fast-paced passionate science fiction tale might need to be hammered into a keyboard.  Try experimenting with different mediums and see if there's something that clicks.

3.  You're using the wrong narrator

     Your narrator should be in the best position to tell the story--they need not necessarily be the coolest character, the most powerful character, the character who ultimately wins, or even a character at all, but they do need to be in the best place to describe the happenings of tale, which means that if they are a character, they need to be in the thick of the action, or in a position to see the story as it needs to be relayed.  If your narrator is off in the background of the story you really want to tell, you should consider either bringing them closer to the action, or making another character the narrator.
     At the same time, if you need to hold certain information outside of the audience's reach, you need to put the story in the hands of a narrator who will either not know this, or have a good reason for keeping it out of the narrative.

4.  You don't yet have the tools or skills you need

      Sometimes there are more complicated maneuvers that a story necessitates which we don't yet have the experience or finesse to pull off, and that inexperience can drag at the story, sometimes causing the tires to blow or bouncing up to break the windshield.  You might be able to get yourself to the point you need to reach through simply pushing yourself through this story, researching what you need to and putting yourself through writing exercises, but sometimes you need to stop, put this manuscript aside, and let it stew while you build your skill level.

5.  You're not telling the right story

     Sometimes there's a really amazing story embedded in a manuscript--"this galactic war is so fascinating," the reader says, "so why are we spending only three pages looking into it while eight hundred are wasted on a forced and cliched romance?"
     If your story doesn't seem to be working, look it over again.  Is there something more interesting, more enthralling happening behind the scenes?  Does some of your world's history or a character's backstory jump out at you as a better read?  Maybe you need to expand upon that, instead.
     Or maybe there's a completely different story out there, waiting for you to come and claim it.

8 Ways To NOT Improve Your Writing

     Your writing is perfect, and you know it.  You're the best of the best, so why try to change it?  Everybody keeps telling you that you need to do this and you need to do that, all so you can improve yourself, but who needs all that?  This post is for those of you who are itching for some advice on how not to improve.  You totally deserve it, you absolutely astonishing maestros de palabras!*

1.  Never do any research

     Research is for lOOOOSEEEeeeerrSSSSS.  Don't know something?  Just make it up!  Who needs to look into it?  Accuracy is boring and stupid and for dumb lame nerds.  You already know everything there is to know, anyway.  Since you're the expert on EVERYTHING, there's no point in wasting HOURS on figuring out the how, why, when, and where, let alone the minute details that can "make or break a novel," whatever THAT means.

2.  Never go past a first draft

     Your instincts are PERFECT, so your first draft is your best draft, hands down.  There's no reason you should EVER edit ANYTHING.  Your spelling errors just add texture, and God knows those missing periods were just a stylistic choice.  Your prose--well that's not even in question, everyone knows it's the BEST. THING. EVARRR.  No improvements needed.

3.  Never accept constructive criticism

     Other people trying to tell you what's best for YOUR book?  Ummmm, yuck.  I mean, as the writer, you know your book better than ANYONE else, right?  So why would anyone else's opinion matter?  That's right, it would not.

4.  Never let anyone else read your work

     Even better, never let anyone look at your book.  If they can't see it, they can't criticize it, right?  It's too good for their dirty eyes, anyway.  Lock your work in a trunk and never let anyone see it, ever.  Maybe one day, hundreds of years from now, an archaeologist will find it hidden in the ruins of your home and finally bring it out into the light of day, once the world is FINALLY advanced enough to appreciate it.

5.  Don't ever go outside your comfort zone

     If you write a really mean red-headed buck-tooth nerd with a heart of gold and guns of steel, why deviate?  Make every protagonist like that.  Hell, make every character like that!  Like writing about haunted mansions?  Make all the settings haunted mansions!  Create a formula you're good at and never deviate at all, ever.  Write the same book over and over.  Can you smell the dough?  I can!

6.  Never read.  Like, ever.

     Reading is for chumps.  Who needs to see how other people have done things when you can just do it yourself?  If you don't know what a cliché looks like, how can you even HAVE one in your story?  Like, duh!  There's NOTHING you need to learn from other styles and techniques, anyway.  As we've established, you're perfect!

7.  Isolate yourself.  Lock yourself up in your home.  Never leave.

     Don't go anywhere.  Don't do anything.  Meet no one, speak to no one, never see the light of day.  Stare at the walls of your office, illuminated only by the screen of your laptop, which possess no phone or internet capabilities.  The world is superfluous.  There exists only the world inside your head.  Your cramped, sweaty little head.

8.  Best of all, just don't write

     The BEST way to not improve your writing is just not to write.  Who needs all that stress, anyway?  Such a bother!  Think of all the TIME you'll save, and all the stasis you'll absorb!  It's just the best way to keep from improving.  What master needs to PROVE they're the master?  ((none of them, that's who))

Keep on keeping wrong, guys!  You've TOTALLY got this!!!


*In case you didn't notice, this is a gag blog; if you plan to improve your writing skills, please do the exact opposite of what's listed here.