5 Things I Learned Writing/Editing/Re-Reading My First-Ever "Novel"

1. A notebook of words does not a novel make

My first-ever “novel” was a 42 page book about a Mary Sue superhero getting powers and defeating a dragon.  In between all that, though, lots of bullshit happens that doesn’t have anything to do with the plot, and is mostly just 9-year-old wish fulfillment.  It was, more or less, a notebook full of vaguely connected words and ideas.

But that’s not what a novel is.  First of all, this 42-page story, at around 10,000 words, wouldn’t even qualify as a novella.  It would be more like a novelette at best; a novella is 18,000-40,000 words, and a novel is 40,000 words or more (though most publishing companies prefer that your wordcount be at least 60,000, and often nearer to 80,000, to consider publishing it as a novel).  

Not only is a wordcount required, but a novel has to have a cohesive plot, compelling characters that are more than self-indulgent caricatures of real-life people or cardboard cut-outs, and villains with realistic motives.  You could have a novel that was more anthological, too, as long as all the pieces were woven together to form an overarching narrative, but it still has to say something.  

A bunch of pieces smashed together isn’t a novel just because you want it to be.  Kaleidoscopes are pretty, but there’s a reason we don’t call them paintings.  

2. Tangents Must Go

As I mentioned above, my first “novel” had a TON of tangents.  There was a cringe-worthy sequence where my trio of main characters went off and discovered a new species of weasel that were rainbow colored just … because???  They could???

 

As I said, it was very self-indulgent.  

And it was painfully evident, re-reading it, that it did. not. work.  It didn’t matter, it was a dumb stand-in for conflict, it wasn’t interesting, and it contributed nothing to the plot, such as it was.  

Bottom line; tangents--by which I mean, tangents that contribute no value or actively detract from the audience’s understanding or enjoyment of a piece--have no place in your novel.  In your first draft, sure, stick in as many tangents as you want, they may turn out to have little pockets of information or entertainment you could later rework into something saleable, but when you go back to edit, cut that shit down.  Hack the jungle down to a garden and breathe deep the fruits of your labors.

Then choke, because you can’t breathe fruit.  Why were you trying to breathe fruit?  Who do you think you are, Fruit-Breathing Man?

3. Daydreaming isn’t the best way to write a book

Again; I was basically day-dreaming when nine-year-old-me wrote this.  And I should probably state, if it wasn’t clear already, that while I’m posting this for the education of all, this post is primarily a letter to kid me about what she could have done better.  

Namely, written a fucking BOOK instead of an IMAGINATIVE DIARY.

Little me had a lot of passion, but she was thin on the execution.  (Don’t worry, she’ll learn ;) )

4. Demonizing childhood bullies isn’t a recipe for a compelling villain

Honey, this is a lesson we all have to learn someday, and you’re learning it *checks watch* ten years ago.  You may have some unresolved issues with the kids that are bullying you right now, and demonizing them in writing can be cathartic, but if you want this book to be great, you need a better villain than a strawman.

Your villains have to be every bit as three dimensional as your protagonists; they need to have realistic reasons for having the goals they do; they need motivation, and even if their goal is to use a dragon to kill someone because they just don’t like her, they need to have a reason not to like her in the first place.  It doesn’t have to be the character’s fault (though it’s often more interesting a story if it is), but the villain needs to be able to see it that way.  

Every character is the protagonist of their own story; find the ways that your villains are the protagonists of theirs.

5. Paragraph usage

This is one thing that school never taught me, which I thank my eldest brother for.  One day, as I was typing away, he stopped behind me, reading over my shoulder, and gave me a piece of advice that forever changed the way I write.

“Include a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.”

And then he disappeared in a puff of dragon smoke and blood-orange incense, never to be seen again until dinner.  

It’s a very simple thing, so obvious a rule that schools don’t even bother telling you to do it (because they teach technical writing, so they don’t bother thinking about what the conventions of creative writing are until you’re already expected to know them all), so I see a lot of young writers making the same mistake.

So.  Every time a new character speaks; new paragraph.  It makes it so much easier to keep track of who’s saying what.  Trust me, you’ll love it.  And so will your readers. :)

6 Things I Learned Editing My Second Novel

1. Apostrophes

It was with the help of a friend of mine who served as my first editor that I learned the trick to apostrophes--another thing they don’t teach you in school.  

So here’s the trick; apostrophes can mean three things in modern English.  Most commonly known, they denote contractions--"He is" becomes "he’s," "they are" becomes "they’re," etc.  

Most commonly written (I assume), and least commonly understood (as I understand it), they’re used to show possession.  In the sentence, “That is Tommy’s house,” the ‘s on the word Tommy shows us that the house is his belonging.

Thirdly, apostrophes c’n be used to show th’t l’tters’re missin’, e’en when a word ain’t contracted!  It’s useful fer writin’ dialect, y’see.  

But never, NEVER, NEVER, is an apostrophe used on a plural s.  It may be used beside a plural s, as in, “the Joneses’ house,” but if there are two cats, you’d never write “the two cat’s.”  That is apostrophe abuse & the grammar police WILL find you, and they’ll take those two cats away from you FOREVER, so watch y’r back m’friend!

2. Fit the theme

I fucking love science, especially biology and quantum physics, but pretty much all science, science is amazing, shut up.  So when I was writing my second finished novel, The Koci, I dribbled in some science stuff because I was learning about fibrin and wound healing in bio and I was all like, “This is metal as FUUUUUUUUUUUCkkkkkkk.”  

And by “dribbled in” I mean I put in like one thing.  One paragraph, describing how, unbeknownst to the main character, his fibrin was at work healing his wounds while he slept.  To illustrate how ridiculous this was in hindsight, this was a story about people who shapeshifted into big cats living in closed-species societies that were pretty much constantly at war.  A species that hadn’t even reached a point where they could perform rudimentary autopsies.

Jeez, little Coates, get it together!

The point is, when you create a world, you need to keep things consistent with the time and theme; a teenager in the fourteen hundreds isn’t going to think about the atomic structure of the universe unless they’re a time traveler, and likewise, a modern doctor isn’t going to think about healing in holistic terms.  

You can pull off juxtaposed viewpoints and worldviews, especially if your theme has something to do with the differences or similarities between past and present, or societies which progress in different ways or at different rates--but in that case, you need to be consistent with your juxtapositions.  Don’t just throw shit in because it’s sick af; it has to fit the mood of your piece.

3. Conservation of detail

The law of conservation of detail essentially states that if it isn’t important, you don’t describe it, and that, relatedly, if it is described, it must carry some modicum of importance.  People don’t want to stick around for description of things they don’t care about if it serves no purpose.

This applies to events or even entire scenes or mini-arcs as well as descriptions, objects, or characters.  That sequence where those cat-people straight-up murder a pregnant catlady and rip her open to steal the babies inside her might be sick and twisted and very telling as to how that band of criminals operates and all, but if it has effect on the main character, it’s gotta go.  Same with that forbidden romance literally nobody but the two side characters involved in it know about, and the sequence where the main character goes for a long walk and describes the scenery in great detail for no good goddamn reason.

Detail is like a gas, and the right amount of any gas is required for the Earth to continue to function the way it does.  But when you get too much of any one gas, it throws off the natural balance and starts eating away at your story’s ozone.  Give a hoot gurl, don’t pollute ur fictional world.

4. No long character lists for no reason

WHEEEEEN i wrote The Koci, I knew every single catperson that was in The Army; I knew what their job was, I knew who they were related to, I knew what their secret activities were, I knew EVERYTHING about them all, and I. Had. A. LIST.

So for whatever reason (don’t lie Maggie, you know the reason, you thought you were being all cool ‘n’ shit) I decided it would be a great reason to have one of my characters fUCKIN LIST ALL HUNDRED AND FUCKIN TWELVE CATPEOPLE IN THE ARMY, replete with jobs and descriptions and relationships oh my god.

Yeah, in hindsight it’s pretty embarrassing.  This is another “conservation of detail” thing; it was an unnecessary infodump, and I’m glad my editor talked me out of it before I had the chance to embarrass myself.  

If you ever do feel the need to include a list of all your characters, make sure it’s necessary, and not just a huge pile of useless information.

5. Random events must immediately relevent

So for The Koci I had a plan for a future sequel that I planned to call The Strangers, which would be all about a few human survivors of a nuclear apocalypse floating to shore on the island that the Koci occupied.  As a foreshadowing type thing, I had a blast of light white out the sky and melt all the snow toward the end of the book, but because nothing else in the story plays into that event, it comes across as random and weird.

In fact, it makes no sense.  You might be able to pull something like this off in a second book of a series, since if people are invested enough to read the second they’ll probably stick around to find out what’s up in the third, but for a first novel, especially one where it’s all pretty self-contained, you’re going to want to skip that bit.  Save it for the next book, kemosabe.  

6. Fireflies are dead by the time winter comes you moron

My last scene had fireflies circling the main characters and then flying away.  But, as I said before, there was supposed to be snow on the ground; those fireflies would be deeeaaadddd.

Past me should have known better.  

8 Ways To NOT Improve Your Writing

     Your writing is perfect, and you know it.  You're the best of the best, so why try to change it?  Everybody keeps telling you that you need to do this and you need to do that, all so you can improve yourself, but who needs all that?  This post is for those of you who are itching for some advice on how not to improve.  You totally deserve it, you absolutely astonishing maestros de palabras!*

1.  Never do any research

     Research is for lOOOOSEEEeeeerrSSSSS.  Don't know something?  Just make it up!  Who needs to look into it?  Accuracy is boring and stupid and for dumb lame nerds.  You already know everything there is to know, anyway.  Since you're the expert on EVERYTHING, there's no point in wasting HOURS on figuring out the how, why, when, and where, let alone the minute details that can "make or break a novel," whatever THAT means.

2.  Never go past a first draft

     Your instincts are PERFECT, so your first draft is your best draft, hands down.  There's no reason you should EVER edit ANYTHING.  Your spelling errors just add texture, and God knows those missing periods were just a stylistic choice.  Your prose--well that's not even in question, everyone knows it's the BEST. THING. EVARRR.  No improvements needed.

3.  Never accept constructive criticism

     Other people trying to tell you what's best for YOUR book?  Ummmm, yuck.  I mean, as the writer, you know your book better than ANYONE else, right?  So why would anyone else's opinion matter?  That's right, it would not.

4.  Never let anyone else read your work

     Even better, never let anyone look at your book.  If they can't see it, they can't criticize it, right?  It's too good for their dirty eyes, anyway.  Lock your work in a trunk and never let anyone see it, ever.  Maybe one day, hundreds of years from now, an archaeologist will find it hidden in the ruins of your home and finally bring it out into the light of day, once the world is FINALLY advanced enough to appreciate it.

5.  Don't ever go outside your comfort zone

     If you write a really mean red-headed buck-tooth nerd with a heart of gold and guns of steel, why deviate?  Make every protagonist like that.  Hell, make every character like that!  Like writing about haunted mansions?  Make all the settings haunted mansions!  Create a formula you're good at and never deviate at all, ever.  Write the same book over and over.  Can you smell the dough?  I can!

6.  Never read.  Like, ever.

     Reading is for chumps.  Who needs to see how other people have done things when you can just do it yourself?  If you don't know what a cliché looks like, how can you even HAVE one in your story?  Like, duh!  There's NOTHING you need to learn from other styles and techniques, anyway.  As we've established, you're perfect!

7.  Isolate yourself.  Lock yourself up in your home.  Never leave.

     Don't go anywhere.  Don't do anything.  Meet no one, speak to no one, never see the light of day.  Stare at the walls of your office, illuminated only by the screen of your laptop, which possess no phone or internet capabilities.  The world is superfluous.  There exists only the world inside your head.  Your cramped, sweaty little head.

8.  Best of all, just don't write

     The BEST way to not improve your writing is just not to write.  Who needs all that stress, anyway?  Such a bother!  Think of all the TIME you'll save, and all the stasis you'll absorb!  It's just the best way to keep from improving.  What master needs to PROVE they're the master?  ((none of them, that's who))

Keep on keeping wrong, guys!  You've TOTALLY got this!!!


*In case you didn't notice, this is a gag blog; if you plan to improve your writing skills, please do the exact opposite of what's listed here.