8 Ways To NOT Improve Your Writing

     Your writing is perfect, and you know it.  You're the best of the best, so why try to change it?  Everybody keeps telling you that you need to do this and you need to do that, all so you can improve yourself, but who needs all that?  This post is for those of you who are itching for some advice on how not to improve.  You totally deserve it, you absolutely astonishing maestros de palabras!*

1.  Never do any research

     Research is for lOOOOSEEEeeeerrSSSSS.  Don't know something?  Just make it up!  Who needs to look into it?  Accuracy is boring and stupid and for dumb lame nerds.  You already know everything there is to know, anyway.  Since you're the expert on EVERYTHING, there's no point in wasting HOURS on figuring out the how, why, when, and where, let alone the minute details that can "make or break a novel," whatever THAT means.

2.  Never go past a first draft

     Your instincts are PERFECT, so your first draft is your best draft, hands down.  There's no reason you should EVER edit ANYTHING.  Your spelling errors just add texture, and God knows those missing periods were just a stylistic choice.  Your prose--well that's not even in question, everyone knows it's the BEST. THING. EVARRR.  No improvements needed.

3.  Never accept constructive criticism

     Other people trying to tell you what's best for YOUR book?  Ummmm, yuck.  I mean, as the writer, you know your book better than ANYONE else, right?  So why would anyone else's opinion matter?  That's right, it would not.

4.  Never let anyone else read your work

     Even better, never let anyone look at your book.  If they can't see it, they can't criticize it, right?  It's too good for their dirty eyes, anyway.  Lock your work in a trunk and never let anyone see it, ever.  Maybe one day, hundreds of years from now, an archaeologist will find it hidden in the ruins of your home and finally bring it out into the light of day, once the world is FINALLY advanced enough to appreciate it.

5.  Don't ever go outside your comfort zone

     If you write a really mean red-headed buck-tooth nerd with a heart of gold and guns of steel, why deviate?  Make every protagonist like that.  Hell, make every character like that!  Like writing about haunted mansions?  Make all the settings haunted mansions!  Create a formula you're good at and never deviate at all, ever.  Write the same book over and over.  Can you smell the dough?  I can!

6.  Never read.  Like, ever.

     Reading is for chumps.  Who needs to see how other people have done things when you can just do it yourself?  If you don't know what a cliché looks like, how can you even HAVE one in your story?  Like, duh!  There's NOTHING you need to learn from other styles and techniques, anyway.  As we've established, you're perfect!

7.  Isolate yourself.  Lock yourself up in your home.  Never leave.

     Don't go anywhere.  Don't do anything.  Meet no one, speak to no one, never see the light of day.  Stare at the walls of your office, illuminated only by the screen of your laptop, which possess no phone or internet capabilities.  The world is superfluous.  There exists only the world inside your head.  Your cramped, sweaty little head.

8.  Best of all, just don't write

     The BEST way to not improve your writing is just not to write.  Who needs all that stress, anyway?  Such a bother!  Think of all the TIME you'll save, and all the stasis you'll absorb!  It's just the best way to keep from improving.  What master needs to PROVE they're the master?  ((none of them, that's who))

Keep on keeping wrong, guys!  You've TOTALLY got this!!!


*In case you didn't notice, this is a gag blog; if you plan to improve your writing skills, please do the exact opposite of what's listed here.