4/13 Celebration Poem: Moirail For Sale

Happy 8th birthday, Homestuck!

As a fan-to-the-death, I've taken it upon myself to offer up some Alpha Rose/Dave poetry in celebration. To any Homestucks still out there: May your pesterchum accounts never be deactivated and your strife deck be ever of a deadly kind.

Moirail For Sale

There are many Daves,

But you are not mine--

There are fewer Roses,

And I am not yours.

It’s just how things have always been.

It’s a fact,

And nothing more.

And yet,

you are close.

More than anything I want my Dave,

But I would play your Rose

If you wanted--

I would offer up my comfort,

A moirail-for-sale--

Ha!  What a pitiful mop I am for pale,

All my diamondic trysts drift apart

Or turn from pale to pail--

Only when our friends were there to stop me did I keep from wanting you.

I should disclose these things to you;

It would only be fair.

But I don’t want to scare you off--

The only Dave I’ve met who tastes the barest bit like mine--

So I lie.

Through omission.

If you call that lying.

(do you?)

...

Moirail for Sale:

A slut for pale

Whose Diamondic desires always turn to the pail.

Morail for hire:

I’ll dampen your ire

And seal every kiss with a sharp lack of fire

(I am, after all, a wonderful liar.)

The Ten Stages of (Publication) Rejection

Rejection Stage 1:

I'm okay, everything is fine, I'll find rep somewhere else

Rejection Stage 2:

                                                        But why didn't they like it

Rejection Stage 3:

                                                           They don't understand it!

                                                   They're so unfair, I worked so hard!

Rejection Stage 4:

                   I'm trash. I'm shit, I'm a terrible writer, I'm not even human why should I try anymore

Rejection Stage 5:

I WILL CUT AND BURN YOU UNTIL YOU SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DOITSU GOD DAMN IT

Rejection Stage 6:

                                                                               y this

Rejection Stage 7:

                                                                              Sleep

Rejection Stage 8:

                                      Did I write this poorly, or was it just not up to their tastes?


Rejection Stage 9:

             Cheetos and Ginger Ale and Comfort Writing ab something else to rinse the taste away

Rejection Stage 10:

                                                             Reluctant acceptance.  

                                                  Time to move on and try again.

Determining Your Character's Fighting Style

     Action scenes can get boring very quickly if done wrong, particularly when all is uniform.  One way to keep things spicy, and add some realism while you're at it, is to vary the fighting styles of your characters.

     The form that a character studied is part of this--someone who studied Tai Chi in college is going to be very different from a small-time Krav Maga master and a scrapper from the streets with ten years under their belt.  Tai Chi prizes fluid movements and the practice of avoiding violence and redirecting energy, while Krav Maga focuses on brutal efficiency, completely neutralizing the threat as quickly as possible.  Someone who learned to fight on the streets, on the other hand, is probably going to fight dirty, and while they'll try to end a fight as fast as they can, they probably won't be as quick or efficient in their attempts.

     Take a look at your characters--what kind of fighting experience do they have?  Were they formally trained, or self-taught?  How they were trained is going to be a huge influence on how they approach real-world fights.

     This goes beyond just the range of the actual techniques--what kind of relationship did they have with their teacher?  If they disliked her, they may ignore her advice out of spite, but if they loved him and treasured his opinion they'll be more likely to do as he would've liked them to.

     Was their trainer a pacifist that taught these techniques only to stem the flow of violence, or were they the kind of bloodthirsty warmonger that encouraged their students to get their swords bloody whenever they got the chance?  Do they prize mercy or revenge?  And what did mercy mean to them?  Letting an enemy live, or dispatching them as quickly as possible?

     If your character is self-taught, how did they teach themselves?  Did they read books and look up internet tutorials?  If so, which ones?  Who did they see as their "mentor?"  What did they take away from the advice?

     Or did they learn solely through experience, throwing themselves into fistfights and sword duels with reckless abandon and learning by trial and error?  What fights taught them the most, and why?  Did they learn the most by winning or by losing?  (Hint: you usually learn more from losing and then figuring out where you went wrong)  How did these attempts, wins, and losses effect them?

     Also, consider your character's personality; are they aggressive or more passive?  Are they friendly or stand-offish?  Cowardly or brave?  Are they more likely to leap into battle head-first or slide into battle only when their back's against the wall and they have no other choice?

     A character that's head-strong and aggressive is more likely to strike first.  They'll always be on the offense and avoid defense whenever they can, trying to be the first to draw blood.  This can be advantageous, since history teaches us that the offensive side is almost always the triumphant one, but can also leave the offensive party open to counter-attacks they may not be expecting,

     On the other hand, a character that's more timid and less sure of their skill may depend almost completely on defensive tactics.  These characters are focused more on surviving than on winning, and it's a dangerous game they're playing, since without striking out there's almost no way to disarm or eliminate the enemy, though by luring the opponent into a state of false safety and confidence, Mr. Defensive may be able to land a killer gut-punch at a key moment that Mr. Offense doesn't expect.

     Most of the time, your characters are going to be a mish-mash of offensive and defensive, but based on training level and personality, decide which way your characters lean; very few are going to be exactly in the middle of the spectrum.

     Characters may even find creative juxtapositions of training and personality; in my current work-in-progress, Sará, a half-demon half-angel princess, was trained in swordplay mostly as a defensive measure, since it was never expected that she would really have to fight anyone.  But Sará is a haughty, aggressive eighteen-year-old, demanding authority and fear even when she looks like a dirty little ten-year-old human girl.  Her training is defense but her personality is offense, so she uses defensive tactics in an offensive manner, which leads to more diverse fight scenes.

     You can also ask yourself what your character's range of environmental awareness is--someone with tunnel-vision will be less easily distracted and more concentrated in their fury, but can be easily attacked from the rear.  Someone that's constantly on the lookout for what's going on around them, however, is more easily distracted, which can lead to more injuries and even death, but is also less likely to be fooled by an attack from their flanks and will be able to use the environment to their advantage, perhaps by luring the enemy off of cliffs or snaring them in bramble patches.


     Take out a few of your main characters and look them over.  Ask yourself some of the questions from above.  Now assign each a different style of fighting, and think--how often to they thrust or slash?  Do they punch more or kick more?  How does their height or weight affect the way they attack or defend?  Are they a statue when they fight, staying in one place, or are they constantly on the move?  Forward or backward or side-to-side, or do they dodge and weave like the famed and acclaimed Basil Staghare?

     Do they all have a different fighting style now?  It's okay if traits overlap, but chances are good that no two characters will ever fight exactly alike.

     Okay.  Now using those styles as a guideline, go back and edit your fight scene to reflect your character's style.  Doesn't that inject so much more life and variety?  Does it open up new passageways and opportunities?  Great!  Now do that with all your fight scenes--remembering of course that as your story progresses, your character's fighting style may change to reflect the trials they've weathered.



     If you have any of your own tips on how to assign a character's fighting style, or want to share how your characters fight, drop a comment in the section below!  I'd love to hear from you!

4 Common Problems With An Everyman

1.  No personality

     One of the top issues with an everyman is that they have no real personality; their entire personality is "I'm an average Joe just like everyone else," but that's not enough.  There has to be something to them, flesh to add to bone.

     Having a character that's average is fine.  In fact, in literature, that's practically an act of rebellion against the status quo.  But you can't allow that character to become boring.  Average doesn't have to be boring--some very interesting people are perfectly average, just in ways you wouldn't expect.

     Maybe they have an eclectic interest, they're just not very good at it, or they know a little bit about a lot of things, or a lot about a very few things; maybe they have skills which were never top notch, but they still love to practice.  Whatever it is, just don't make them a boring bland personalityless nobody.

     Make them into someone we'd want to travel with (or someone we'd hate to travel with), not just someone we tolerate.

2.  Mouthpiece

     An everyman, being that they're our touchstone to reality in this journey through the cosmos or elven lands or what have you, can sometimes serve as an author stand-in, revealing to us all their thoughts about the new places, people, events, and the old people, places, events that we're used to.

     This is all well and good, but be careful you don't go running away with it and turn the character into just another mouthpiece trying to spread an agenda; commentary is great!  We love commentary!  But commentary is sometimes just a hair's breadth away from preaching, and once you get to preaching it's a steep descent down into moralizing bluffs, and no one likes being moralized.

     TL;DR:  Speak, don't preach.  Comment, don't vomit.  We're not here for a sermon, we're here to have fun.

3.  No purpose in the plot

     Other than providing us with information about our new environment and giving us a running commentary on how the nature of whatever's going on relates to the nature of whatever's going on in real life, does your character have a purpose in the plot?

     And I mean a real purpose; look at what's happening in your story.  If you took your everyman out of it, would any of the action change?  If not, you either need to scrap that character, or give them a reason to be on the scene.  Give them something to do, something important, don't just let them laze around observing things; that's how they get flat and boring, and boring is the enemy here!  Boring is the reason people hate everymen!

     Don't subject your everyman to everyman hell; let him have agency.

4.  Stock Personality

     Often, when an everyman does have a personality, it's one of the stock personalities that three hundred other everymen are loaded with.  They're flat cardboard characters with no real backstory that just show up to drive home the author's point or reveal information to us.

     Don't fall into that trap; make your everyman a well-rounded person, with interests, talents, flaws!  If I wanted a stock character, I'd read comedia del'arte.

9 Suggestions For Remodeling The ReaderX Fic

     A while back I posted an essay in defense of reader insert fanfiction in which I stated at least twice that many, if not most, reader inserts are not well-written (but that everyone needed to calm their tits anyway).
   
     Other than reader insert writers practicing more, reading up on writing techniques, and improving their skills bit by bit (or more experienced writers jumping into the tidepool), there's not much that can solve the most prevalent issue with self inserts, which is, as I stated, lackluster technical skills in writing and story-telling.  With practice and with time, those things will come, but for now I do have a few suggestions that could improve the quality of ReaderX fics by restructuring some of the conventions of the genre.

     So now, for your consideration, I suggest to you:

1.  Do away with (y/n), (f/c), etc.

     Y/N, Your Name, F/C, Favorite Color, E/C, Eye Color, H/C, Hair color, F/F, Favorite Food, the list goes on; this vague parenthetical command is meant to draw the reader deeper into the narrative by allowing them to insert their own name, appearance, and various favorite things.

     The goal is noble, but the result is more distancing; having to read the clinical projection cues time after time only serves to remind us that we're reading a story, not experiencing it first-hand.  That's why Pokemon has you input your name before the game and then inserts it into the coding, rather than leaving a blank space or a (y/n) in the game text.

     In place of the parentheticals, a short description works better.  Because these stories are written in the second person, we're already experiencing the story as ourselves; it's okay to say, "You give them your name," or something like that.

     Doesn't, "You told them your name and they repeated it joyfully, thrusting their glasses in the air" flow better than, "'My name is (y/n).'  '(y/n)!' they shouted joyfully, thrusting their glasses in the air"?

     If something is going on that your character's name is said so often that it's necessary for it to be included in quotations rather than just in narration, an easy out is to have one of the other characters give "you" a nickname--either something cutesy/related to the fanwork, or something that has to do with the plot of your AU.  I'd be hard-pressed to find a place where a (y/n) is ever strictly necessary.

     There are a lot of places where the details are entirely superfluous anyway--because the author is already projecting their own tastes when they do things like design costumes, it seems silly to bring the audience out of the spell for the sake of a color.  Still, "She handed you a dress in your favorite color, much to your delight" is more seamless than "She handed you a (f/c) dress, much to your delight," and as I've discussed before, making sure your audience stays trapped in the reality of your story is The Most Important Thing, ESPECIALLY for a reader insert story.

2.  Fewer protagonists in default white

     As a white girl, I see myself reflected much more prevalently than any other race in pretty much every form of media.  The tides are turning of course, and many of us creative types are doing our damnedest to see more representation find its way into the public eye, but it's been hard work trying to break the back of this institution.

     But ReaderX fics are all about making sure that the audience is as absorbed as possible in the reality before them, right?  That's why we have the (y/n) (f/c) convention in the first place.  So it's extremely jarring to me when the author, who will be hard-pressed to describe concretely something as relatively inconsequential as an eye color or favorite type of burger, describes the POV character's skin color--invariably something along the lines of, "your peaches-and-cream complexion" or "the contrast between your white hand and his gray one."

     The white default is a setting that a lot of people haven't yet unlearned; we're taught from a young age that white skin is "normal," and the rest of the spectrum is "other," so when we go to read fiction a lot of people just assume that their characters are, of course, white!  And writers will do the same thing, which leads to entire series of books where the only characters who get a description of skin color are the ones that aren't white, because they are Not The Default.

     This is harmful for a lot of reasons, not least of all because it alienates people who aren't white and reinforces the idea that they are Not Normal.  In a reader insert story, it also reads as a statement from the author to any non-white person reading it that it wasn't meant for them to enjoy.  I know most people don't mean for it to come across that way, you just did what so many people do and went along with what you think of as the default skin tone, the same way we think of 5'4 as a default height for a woman or pizza as a default meal for Americans, but it can still hurt.

     If you had blue eyes and every ReaderX story you read had brown-eyed protagonists, you might feel excluded, right?  Like you were being ignored or worse, singled out--like you didn't belong in that fic, that "space."

     The best thing to do with a ReaderX fic in regards to skin color is just--don't mention it.  Unless race is super important (or you're some kind of alien creature with a canon skin color), leave it completely out of the equation.  Don't default to white; default to blank slate, the same way you did with the eye and hair colors.

3.  Give the character a stronger background/personality

     A lot of characters are these mostly blank slates with a tiny bit of personality and a smidgen of backstory.  Blank slate is great and all, especially with reader inserts, but part of the fun of imaging that you're in a different world is imagining yourself as having lived a different life.  In a lot of stories this is already a prerequisite--most of us don't live in the city that the story takes place in (if any of us do), and sometimes we're placed on entirely different planets, or in universes in which magic is real, etc.

     Don't be afraid to let the character have a bit of history.  Any detail you include in a story is going to make it so someone isn't going to be able to project themselves fully into that character without some cognitive dissonance, so you might as well make them interesting and less cardboard while you're at it.

     Giving a character a strong personality is also a risky business in this situation; you don't want it so strong that it's overpowering, because then people are going to be constantly saying, "I would never do that!"  Then again, the reason you read a ReaderX is because you'd never do what you're reading about doing.

     So go ahead and give us a strong, interesting personality.  Just make sure the character the audience is playing isn't too obnoxious; this is one of those times that a protagonist pretty much has to be likeable.  Otherwise the audience will feel like they're being insulted and will piss off.

4.  Less blushing please

     One thing that really gets my goat is how much blushing goes on in these stories; you'd think everyone had rosacea!  One blush for every three chapters should be the max, I'd say.  Some people may blush a lot in real life, but reading about it gets old. Especially when it's in almost every ReaderX.  

     Blushing is boring.  Blushing is the status quo.  It's time we break free of that.  And this is more than just about the blushing.  This is about a specific type of personality that we've seen a thousand million times, and maybe it's just person taste, but as a reader insert reader I am sick to death of blushing and stumbling over myself every other sentence.  I've been that person IRL; I don't need to read about being that way.

     Let your characters be confident, charmed and charming in return; let them be flustered when flustered is appropriate, sure, but don't make the protagonist go all stupid every time they accidentally touch the main love interest.  Most of us in real life hold our lives together pretty well, no matter how punchdrunk we are around our special someone, and don't let ourselves fall to pieces just because they know our name.

     We're not the stereotype that Disney created, and I think it's time that reader inserts explored a fuller range of emotion.

5.  More realistic flaws

      ReaderXes suffer from a lot of the same problems as OC fanfiction, because every reader insert is an OC on top of being a more-or-less blank slate.  One of those problems is the Mary Sue issue; no flaws.  Or, if there are flaws, only those which don't impact the plot.
 
     Problems are never their fault, they may stumble around cutely, but they're not going to do something like embarrass their date because they have no table manners, or become possessive or something of the like.  Try to give your characters flaws that will influence and even drive the plot; we're not perfect.  The protagonist doesn't have to be perfect, either.

     Alternatively, we see characters that are just walking Flaw-Bombs waiting to go off.  They're obnoxious, they make unnecessary drama, and no one should like them, yet for some reason everyone does.  Make sure your other characters are responding accordingly to the stimuli provided them, no matter how pretty your protagonist is.

6.  Fewer miscommunication plots

     Rule of thumb; if your plot can be resolved in under two minutes if your characters just sat and talked, it's not enough of a plot to warrant a serious story.  Miscommunication is great for comedy, but in serious plots it gets frustrating.

     The whole "This isn't what it looks like!" storyline, for example:  if a character can say, "Tom, he's my cousin," and the whole thing is resolved?  Not worth more than five hundred words as conflicts go.  If a character says "Tom, he's my cousin," but she's lying, on the other hand, or it's not the whole story, then that warrants a fuller investigation.

     Also, if your character is so jealous they can't even wait around for someone to explain themselves after being caught in a compromising position, they clearly don't trust their partner, which is a red flag as far as the health of the relationship goes.  In fact, if they're walking out on them without an explanation, they clearly don't respect their partner, and to me that's a "break the camel's back" kind of straw.

     Be careful with your melodrama.

7.  More male POV characters

     Or better yet; more characters with no specified gender.

     There may not be as many men/boys who read reader inserts as there are girls, but that may also just be a confirmation bias; how do you know they wouldn't like it if they aren't given a chance?  Plus, there are many girls who wouldn't mind adopting a male persona over the course of your story, and a lot of people who don't fit into the gender binary who would like to see themselves reflected in the story.

     More stories written with a broader audience focus would be beneficial; anyone can write a story from a male perspective now and again, and you can easily write a story in the second person without using gendered pronouns for the POV character.

     Give it a shot; let's make the protagonists a little more diversely applicable.

8.  More female love interests

     Male love interests are the default in ReaderX land, but there are a lot of people interested in the female characters of a given work, whether boys who like girls, girls who like girls, nonbinary folks who like girls, etc.

    Even outside the context of romance there's a dearth of female characters.  I'd like to see more involvement of the female characters in these types of works, not just as love interests but as friends, colleagues, even siblings.  Don't turn them into strawman bitches "getting in the way" of your self ship or ignore them altogether; give them a chance to get in the mix, too.

     I guess the title of number eight should really be More strong female characters, not just as love interests.

     And as a side note, friends in general are always good!  Too many ReaderX protagonists are lone wolves who have no one to talk to except the person they love; people need friends outside of a romantic relationship.  Whether it's a character or characters in the cast or an OC, let the insert have some companionship.

9.  More choose-your-own-adventure type stories

     These needn't be the complex type you see on the shelves of your local library, but I'm a sucker for a  ReaderX that sets me up with a storyline, then veers off into different paths that I can choose from.  Do I want to pursue this character, or this character?  (I'll probably choose one, then go back and read the other bc I'm a fiction ho, shhh ;) )

      This semblance of interaction makes the audience feel like a part of the story, and wraps them up further in the protagonist's skin; it gives us agency, and we all love to feel like our choices matter.  After all, if our choices matter it serves to reason that we matter, right?

   

     So there you have it folks; my take on how to improve the ReaderX genre as it stands.  Do you have any opinions on the ReaderX genre?  Do you have any suggestions I might be missing?  Or am I the only self-indulgent asshole with a writing blog?  Leave a comment below, so that I might one day embark a journey to become self-aware.  ;)

The Improv Technique For Writing Your First Draft

First drafts are difficult. First drafts suck. First drafts are AMAZING. First drafts are torture. First drafts are super fun.

These things are all true simultaneously. Writing is really simple, but it's also one of the most complex things you can attempt. It's a career path fraught with paradoxes and cognitive dissonance, and we continue to do it because we are all sado-masochistic monsters who desire to inflict as much pain on others as we do on ourselves. Emotionally, because physically that would be illegal.

One of the hardest parts of first drafting is the conflict between needing to think really hard to keep things moving, and having your brain freeze up and refuse to cooperate because it's being overused.

But one of the most advantageous things you can sometimes do with your writing is shut down the critical thinking part of your brain and write, letting words just fall out on the page the way they want without really bothering to think them over, like flicking a switch that causes the thoughts to bypass your frontal lobe and just flow out of your fingers. That is in fact how I am writing this article right here right now, and also how I managed to ace both my college-level English classes in twelfth grade.

Critical thinking is for subsequent drafts, when you go back through to edit; the first draft is for creativity, and somehow, paradoxically (one of our favorite things), creativity sometimes means turning ourselves off.

So as an exercise in turning off our critical thinking, this is the introduction to my 7-step program for using Improv to turn off our inner critics, get those words on the page, and finish that damn first draft as fast as possible.

What is Improv?

If you're unfamiliar with the concept, Improv is short for Improvisational Theatre, a genre of entertainment in which people come together and perform a piece that is written in the moment; there are no scripts, no pre-planned plot points, just whatever each person is bringing to the table.

Sometimes Improv takes the form of a game, like Emotional Elevator (in which each character represents on emotion, and infects the others in the elevator with that emotion until they leave), or just an interaction or story. Sometimes prompts are chosen from a hat, or by submission, or are taken from the audience to help establish the setting, plot, and characters.

Often Improv is comedic; the spontaneity of Improv provides endless opportunities for laughs. Other times, it can be more serious, and Improv bits can last only a few seconds or as much as several hours.

The Setup


-Set your goal; it could be a certain wordcount, number of chapters, whatever
-Set your deadline; how many days/weeks/months are you giving yourself to get this done?
  -Find your writing space; somewhere quiet and private is usually best, but wherever you can turn off your brain is a great place to be


The Rules

1. Yes, And

The cardinal rule of Improv is always say yes; its codependent companion is, then add an "and." In the context of Improv this means that whatever your partner states or proposes immediately becomes the truth; no matter how outlandish, they are always telling the truth, never lying. Even if you don't like what they've proposed--perhaps that you're a greedy fishmonger bitch, or that the sky is made of angel wings and the sea of hellfire--you have to accept it, because if you don't, the audience will stop trusting both of you.

Because Improv is all imaginary, it only works if the audience trusts that you're telling the absolute truth, so you have to roll with everything your partner says, and they have to roll with everything you've said.

Then, once they've brought something to the table, you bring something in the return--the and. Because a story doesn't move forward if something new doesn't happen!

In the context of this game/challenge/whatever you want to call it, Yes, And is a singular activity--you are providing both the Yes and the And.

"What the hell does that mean?" you may be asking, "Isn't that just normal writing?"

Well, yes and no; because for this goal period, I'm challenging you to write whatever comes to mind. No matter how ridiculous, off-topic, or just plain stupid it may seem, if it pops into your head, you write it. Then, once it's written down, you add the next thing that comes to mind.

It's vital that you go with the first idea that pops to mind, because only then can we properly tap into your subconscious and get you thinking without thinking. In Improv the golden rule is that the first idea is the best idea, but we often throw it away because we're insecure, worried that it's too much or not enough. Eschew that now; write the first thing that comes, and if it turns out not to be the best thing? Fix it in post. That's why we edit.

(Side note: After this process is finished, I do assure you that much editing will be necessary. This pursuit is about getting words out on the page, not making them perfect.)

2. No Buts

Another primary rule in Improv is No Buts, (not to be confused with butts, which are often used in Improv). If you add a but, it's an automatic denial; you're saying that the previous idea isn't good enough.

In this pursuit, it's fine for your characters to say but, but if you find yourself thinking, "But that wouldn't work!"/"But that doesn't make sense!"/"But" ANYTHING, then you're denying your own ideas; your confidence is incomplete, and you're letting it get in the way of your creativity.

Smash that But to smithereens and save it for the editing process! You have more important things to do right now! Namely, Write Write Write!!!

3. Justify

Sometimes when you find yourself wanting to add a "But" it's because something doesn't seem to make sense. It happens! But instead of denying this weird thing that doesn't make sense, we need to justify it instead. Slash that but and stick in a because instead, and give the context, to yourself or your readers!

Ex: "The sky is pink! But that doesn't make sense!" Becomes "The sky is pink! Because there's a thinner atmosphere and lots of red suspended dust in the air, like on Mars!"

This helps makes sense of that which is confusing, moves you along a path that makes sense to you, and keeps that dreaded But as far out of the equation as possible.

4. Quickly Establish Setting, Relationship, Plot

In Improv it's important to establish the Who, What, Where, When, Why and How as soon as you can; this is intertwined with your justifications above to some degree, but here we're largely talking about your scenework and character interactions. Sometimes we spend a long time meandering around things in real life, spiraling closer and closer to the point the longer we spend time in a place or with another person, but this often doesn't make for great fiction (unless done very well, with the intention of adding tension) so try cutting straight to the point:

Where are you? When is it and What is everyone doing? Who's there? What do your characters want, and Why? How are they planning to get what they want?

Establish these things fast so that the audience understands what's going on and can imagine the scene easily, then get into the juicy bits, the exciting stuff they came to see. As Chuck Wendig is fond of saying, skip the boring bits. If you're not having fun writing it, they're not having fun reading it, I can almost guarantee.

5. Give Yourself Gifts

In Improv, Gifts are the little tidbits of seemingly throw-away information that you and your Improv partners sprinkle throughout a conversation--the mention of your wife being pregnant, you have a blue ribbon in the National Scrap-Parts Bike-Making League Championships, you're an active member of an underground BDSM club exclusively for short doms and tall subs.

Whatever it is, the more information you give earlier on, the better it'll be for you later on, because you'll have more to pull from, and you get a better and better feel for your character as these details come out. And then, when something happens, you can pull on those Gifts to improve the story later on--maybe your characters need to get somewhere fast, so you build a bike out of the garbage in your apartment, or you need to abscond the scene so you get a text from your wife telling you she's having the baby, or someone says they recognize you from somewhere and you can be like, "You were my best mate's tall sub last weekend!"

We do this all the time in our writing and never think about it--little details that we give our characters "just because" become a big deal later on, and can even explode into entire character or plot arcs, or be the secret key to defeating the Ultimate Badass at his own game.

So in this exercise, give yourself gifts--give yourself lots of Gifts, don't be afraid to dig down into the depths of who your character really is, get all UP in those guts, sprinkle the breadcrumbs and then follow them home! It may just get your characters out of tight corners later, and having already established things as truth, it will feel much less like a Deus Ex Machina.

6. No Mistakes Only Happy Accidents

My first Improv teacher at AMDA, Katie Muchlin, was very fond of saying that "There are no mistakes, only happy accidents."

You are bound to make mistakes, in writing as in Improv as in life; when that happens, don't dwell on them. Justify what you have to justify and move on--and maybe that happy accident will turn out to be the single best thing that's ever happened in your story, you don't know!

Follow the breadcrumbs, Hansel, and when the bird eats them out from under you, take a deep breath, count to ten, and fumble through the dark because damn it you need to get Gretel the fuck home already, it's midnight and it's dark and you're like eight, literally anything could eat you. There is no time for tomfuckery and self-pity when you're mired in the depths of Creepy Forest Number Nine, Han. Just push through and everything will turn out alright.

7. Find A Button

You find a button at the end of a scene, both in Improv and in normal acting, but also in writing; the button is difficult to define, but you know it when you see it. It's the point at which it makes perfect sense to end the scene; everything that needs to be resolved is resolved, and all the questions that need to be raised have been raised. This is often the "oh snap" moment, or the witty oneliner.

Once my class played a game in which members of the audience would enter as members of a family with a unified theme; this theme was "criminal," and one after another children and parents and the like were revealed who were all terrible. A comment ("Gift") was made that one of the children was supposed to be watching the person they were keeping prisoner in the basement. So when the conflict was rising to a din and things were starting to get out of hand, I ran across the stage and screamed, "I'M FREEEEEEEEEE!"

That was an immediate button; at that point the class was in tears, nothing more could be said, any conflict that was going to be raised or absolved had been raised or absolved, and no one would miss the scene for its ending--and neither would anyone resent it its length.

We've all been in situations where we read a story or watch a show and a scene just goes on and on and on when it doesn't have to. Even if it's just a few lines too long, you can tell that whoever was writing the piece didn't know how to press the button, one they sometimes give to themselves. Next time that happens, keep an eye or ear or finger out for a place that seems like a natural ending point, where the scene could end and it wouldn't negatively impact the rest of the story at all.

The difficulty in Improv is finding that moment yourself, because it's all happening so quickly and there's so much going on at once. But we have to try.

So as you write your scenes, if you ever find yourself getting bored or stuck, find a button; think of it as an escape hatch, the big red button that says DO NOT PRESS and yet resolves all your problems; then pound that thing into the ground and keep moving. You have to keep that momentum under you or you'll stop to second-guess yourself.

8. Keep The Story Moving Forward

Speaking of keeping moving, did I mention you should keep moving?

Don't look back. Don't stop to tie your shoes or smell the flowers or roll in the grass; go, motherfucker, go go go, we're opening our parachutes in t-minus ten, and one's got your name on it!

Don't let this baby stall out, friend, you can do it, I believe in you! Just focus on the "And;" what is the next logical happening after the last happening? Or the next illogical happening, whichever comes to mind first. Do you know where this is all headed, where you plan to end up? If yes, aim that fucker and blast it. If not, then just run, dude, and you will find that path through the forest, even if you have to cook ten witches to do it.


9. Don’t Ask Questions


Another rule in Improv; don't ask questions. Why? Because questions are not information. Questions are, in fact, an admission of ignorance; you don't know this thing, the audience says? Why don't you know this thing? Aren't you supposed to be real?

And then they remember that they're paying to watch people pretend on an empty stage and their minds explode. Don't make your audience's mind explode; make statements, not questions.

Of course, you want your audience to ask questions, to keep them interested, but for this pursuit try focusing on making them ask "what's going to happen next" instead of "What's happening now?"

Don't ask questions of your audience; you are in control, you know everything for all intents and purposes (until we get to the editing stage at least), and that's what they need to believe. Try to steer away from characters asking questions when you can, too, because again, it provides no new information; it is an admission of, and often even a repetition of an admission of, ignorance. Sometimes that's necessary, sometimes it's not.

Don't worry, you'll get a feel for it eventually.

Really what this means in regards to your writing is BE CONFIDENT. You know your world, you know what's going on, don't waffle. This is your time to shine, and the more confident you are, the more your audience will believe in you.

10. End The Story In A Different Place Than It Began

     This seems obvious, and it kind of is; what's less obvious is that every scene is a story in and of itself.  This is a throwback to number seven, really; you want to end the story as a whole, but also every individual scene in a different place than the one in which it began.  Your characters are different people, or have a different relationship, or have changed their goals.

     This can help you find the button on every scene (and your story as a whole if you're kind of in the dark about where it needs to end).  Whenever you're unsure about where a scene should end, ask yourself if things are different now; do people know things they didn't know before?  Important things, not just baseball stats or the names of the cloud formations (unless those things are important to your plot of course)?  Have their plans changed?  Are they in a different place mentally, emotionally, physically?

     Make sure things are changing; if everything stays the same, the story is going nowhere.  Pretend you're a Robinson and Keep Moving Forward!

Conclusion

     And that's about it, really!  Hopefully, using these techniques, you'll be able to turn off that brain and bang out a great first draft.  Just remember:  Any first draft is a great first draft, no matter how patchwork or illegible; it is a first step, a very long, very hard first step, and you made it.

     Learning to run will be so much easier now that you've learned to walk.