"I Could Care Less" and Other Pet Peeves

     I've talked about pet peeves of mine before, little grammar flubs and spelling flaws that send my inner editor into convulsive fits.  Well here are five more, comin' atchya hot, and I'll get those engines revving by starting with the most powerful and descending in random order therefrom!


1.  So didn't/So Can't I

     This first started bothering me in the fifth grade.  And when I say bothering, I mean annoying the piss out of me holy shit.  When the students did it, it was one thing; we were nine, ten, eleven at most.  Mistakes are to be expected from children.

     But the teacher.  Oh, woe be unto her, though blessed she be, because good lord when I heard the phrase "So didn't she" come out of her mouth during a lesson on Native American life, I wan.ted. to. puke.  And when I say puke, I mean projectile vomit on the entire class.

     This peeve is not my pet, it is the bane of my existence, it is the skunk living under my porch that eats all my cats' food and every once in a while decides to spritz down my dogs, and I hate it.

     If the phrase were used in proper context, it wouldn't be so bad.  If someone said, for instance, "I didn't like the movie," and someone agreed with, "So didn't I," that would be fine.  A creative, realistic piece of dialogue.

     But the way people use it is always as a form of capable agreement.  "I can paint a picture," "So can't I!"  "I went to the Hawaii over the summer" "So didn't I!"  "I'll go to the store tomorrow," "So won't I."

     iT MAKES NO SENSE!  It's ridiculous, it's preposterous, I expect grammar fuckups from students, but something this severe from my teachers, my god--and on multiple occasions, not just a one-time thing, and never a correction, never once a student saying something, as if everyone else was blind to the blatant abuse of the English language occurring before our very ears!

    Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not use the phrase "So don't" to mean "So do."  They are antonyms.  ANTONYMS!


2.  I Could Care Less

    Okay, now that we've got some of my crazy out of the way; I could care less.  A phrase meant to convey how little one cares about the given situation.

     But it makes no goddamn sense.

     Because the actual phrase is "I couldn't care less."  It's meant to indicate that no fucks are left to be given.  You wouldn't say, "I could give a fuck," you say, "I couldn't give a fuck."  Saying you could care less indicates that you do care, because there's still less care in the world for you to feel, some cares left to give away.

     Unless that's what you mean, when you say "I could care less," you're fucking up, plain and simple.  If your character doesn't care at all, or wants to seem like they don't care at all, they want to say there are no fucks left in the bank.


3.   Affect/Effect

     So I had trouble with these for a very long time myself.  It's a difficult balance between the two, and grammatic education is going down the tubes, so a lot of people are in the same boat as me.

     The way I finally figured out how to differentiate between the two was essentially this;  Affect is a Verb, and Effect is a Noun.  See below:

     "The effects of the storm were horrible."

     "We were horribly affected by the storm."

     Next time you need to use one of these bad boys, take a second to ask yourself if the word you need is a verb or a noun--are you being Affected by it, or are you observing the Effects?


4.  Whining/Whinging

     So this one is included as a fuck you to yours truly, because for a long time I thought "whinging" was just people misspelling "whining" and it really pissed me off.  But it turns out "whinging" is a real word, meaning "To complain in an annoying way."  So it's basically the same thing as whining.

     It's very British (so British that my current spellcheck reads it as a misspelling of whining), which is why I never realized it was a real word.  I should make my peace with it.  It's a real word.  It's a valid word.

     But God do I hate it. 

(you don't have to tho)

5.  Peek vs. Peak

     Okay, just one more, not a pet peeve so much as just a word of warning.  A peak is the top of a mountain; a peek is something you do in people's windows.

     So it's pretty much like the affect/effect thing; if you want a verb, it's peek, and if you want the noun, it's peak.


     Happy writing all!

6 Things I Learned Editing My Second Novel

1. Apostrophes

It was with the help of a friend of mine who served as my first editor that I learned the trick to apostrophes--another thing they don’t teach you in school.  

So here’s the trick; apostrophes can mean three things in modern English.  Most commonly known, they denote contractions--"He is" becomes "he’s," "they are" becomes "they’re," etc.  

Most commonly written (I assume), and least commonly understood (as I understand it), they’re used to show possession.  In the sentence, “That is Tommy’s house,” the ‘s on the word Tommy shows us that the house is his belonging.

Thirdly, apostrophes c’n be used to show th’t l’tters’re missin’, e’en when a word ain’t contracted!  It’s useful fer writin’ dialect, y’see.  

But never, NEVER, NEVER, is an apostrophe used on a plural s.  It may be used beside a plural s, as in, “the Joneses’ house,” but if there are two cats, you’d never write “the two cat’s.”  That is apostrophe abuse & the grammar police WILL find you, and they’ll take those two cats away from you FOREVER, so watch y’r back m’friend!

2. Fit the theme

I fucking love science, especially biology and quantum physics, but pretty much all science, science is amazing, shut up.  So when I was writing my second finished novel, The Koci, I dribbled in some science stuff because I was learning about fibrin and wound healing in bio and I was all like, “This is metal as FUUUUUUUUUUUCkkkkkkk.”  

And by “dribbled in” I mean I put in like one thing.  One paragraph, describing how, unbeknownst to the main character, his fibrin was at work healing his wounds while he slept.  To illustrate how ridiculous this was in hindsight, this was a story about people who shapeshifted into big cats living in closed-species societies that were pretty much constantly at war.  A species that hadn’t even reached a point where they could perform rudimentary autopsies.

Jeez, little Coates, get it together!

The point is, when you create a world, you need to keep things consistent with the time and theme; a teenager in the fourteen hundreds isn’t going to think about the atomic structure of the universe unless they’re a time traveler, and likewise, a modern doctor isn’t going to think about healing in holistic terms.  

You can pull off juxtaposed viewpoints and worldviews, especially if your theme has something to do with the differences or similarities between past and present, or societies which progress in different ways or at different rates--but in that case, you need to be consistent with your juxtapositions.  Don’t just throw shit in because it’s sick af; it has to fit the mood of your piece.

3. Conservation of detail

The law of conservation of detail essentially states that if it isn’t important, you don’t describe it, and that, relatedly, if it is described, it must carry some modicum of importance.  People don’t want to stick around for description of things they don’t care about if it serves no purpose.

This applies to events or even entire scenes or mini-arcs as well as descriptions, objects, or characters.  That sequence where those cat-people straight-up murder a pregnant catlady and rip her open to steal the babies inside her might be sick and twisted and very telling as to how that band of criminals operates and all, but if it has effect on the main character, it’s gotta go.  Same with that forbidden romance literally nobody but the two side characters involved in it know about, and the sequence where the main character goes for a long walk and describes the scenery in great detail for no good goddamn reason.

Detail is like a gas, and the right amount of any gas is required for the Earth to continue to function the way it does.  But when you get too much of any one gas, it throws off the natural balance and starts eating away at your story’s ozone.  Give a hoot gurl, don’t pollute ur fictional world.

4. No long character lists for no reason

WHEEEEEN i wrote The Koci, I knew every single catperson that was in The Army; I knew what their job was, I knew who they were related to, I knew what their secret activities were, I knew EVERYTHING about them all, and I. Had. A. LIST.

So for whatever reason (don’t lie Maggie, you know the reason, you thought you were being all cool ‘n’ shit) I decided it would be a great reason to have one of my characters fUCKIN LIST ALL HUNDRED AND FUCKIN TWELVE CATPEOPLE IN THE ARMY, replete with jobs and descriptions and relationships oh my god.

Yeah, in hindsight it’s pretty embarrassing.  This is another “conservation of detail” thing; it was an unnecessary infodump, and I’m glad my editor talked me out of it before I had the chance to embarrass myself.  

If you ever do feel the need to include a list of all your characters, make sure it’s necessary, and not just a huge pile of useless information.

5. Random events must immediately relevent

So for The Koci I had a plan for a future sequel that I planned to call The Strangers, which would be all about a few human survivors of a nuclear apocalypse floating to shore on the island that the Koci occupied.  As a foreshadowing type thing, I had a blast of light white out the sky and melt all the snow toward the end of the book, but because nothing else in the story plays into that event, it comes across as random and weird.

In fact, it makes no sense.  You might be able to pull something like this off in a second book of a series, since if people are invested enough to read the second they’ll probably stick around to find out what’s up in the third, but for a first novel, especially one where it’s all pretty self-contained, you’re going to want to skip that bit.  Save it for the next book, kemosabe.  

6. Fireflies are dead by the time winter comes you moron

My last scene had fireflies circling the main characters and then flying away.  But, as I said before, there was supposed to be snow on the ground; those fireflies would be deeeaaadddd.

Past me should have known better.  

4 More Basic Formatting Tips

     I spoke before about some formatting pet peeves of mine.  These aren't pet peeves so much as they are just tips that are important that I see a lot of people (especially newbies) overlooking.  It's eleven o'clock at night after a very full day, irritating stuff is on my twitter, my classmates, God love them, don't understand standardized writing structures, and I have a headache, so prepare for callous, good-natured aggression.  Enjoy.

1.  Indentations

     When you start a new paragraph, indent that bitch.
   
     Yeah, yeah, common sense, right?  Only it's not.  I see a lot of people overlooking this crucial step, or doing it wrong--my mother once told me that an indentation is five spaces on the space bar.  It's not; a proper indentation is one slap on the TAB button.

     But if you're on a website *coughcoughBlogspotcoughcough* that doesn't allow for tabing, five spaces will work fine.  In fact, online, indentation may not be necessary at all!  But it can help set each paragraph apart from the last.  However, if you're working on any MS you plan to submit to anyone, slap the tab button.  It'll save you a lot of reformatting later on.


2.  Apostrophes

     Apostrophes are used to denote possession (Mindy's cat) and missing characters ('ey kid!/you can't do this to me), and that's about it.  Often they're used to make a number or a shortening plural (ABC's/That 70's Show), which is a peeve of mine that I try not to let in the house--it's technically correct, at least in the sense that it's been used that way for decades if not centuries, and as a descriptivist it's my duty to bend with the tide of linguistic change.  Still, I try to show that such things are plural just by make the letters big and the "S" small (80s. ABCs).  I'll never change the world's mind, though, so if you do it the other way just keep doing what you're doing.

     Anyway, other than in these rare cases, an apostrophe is never, never to be used on a plural.

     If you're ever wondering whether an apostrophe fits or not, ask yourself if the sentence can be restructured to exclude the "S".  For example, "This house's the best!" can be restructured to, "This house is the best!" so the apostrophe fits.  "The house's door," can be restructured to "The door belonging to the house," so it fits.  But "The houses stood in a row" can't be restructured in any simple way that eliminates the "s" without eliminating the plural.  You'd have to change it to something silly, like, "The house and its compatriots stood in a row."  (and then you haven't eliminated the S, you've just moved it to the word "compatriots," though if there were only two you COULD say "the house and its compatriot stood in a row," but a row is usually more than two and now I'm just overthinking it oops)

     And speaking of "its," a pronoun--she, he, it, they--is the one exception to the "possession=apostrophe" rule.  The only time that a pronoun has an apostrophe is when it's part of a compound word--see the previous example, "it's," which can be broken into "it" and "is."

4.  Double space your shit

     Double-spacing is important, okay.  If you don't select "double" on your line spacing (or 1.5 at the BAREST minimum), it's going to be too cramped, your understanding of how long your work actually is will be thrown off, and your editor won't be happy.
   
     If you want to write it all in single-space and double-space after the fact, that's fine!  That's your prerogative!  But double-spacing needs to be done before you send it off for work--double-spacing helps you avoid massive text walls, makes people less likely to just skim your work, and allows anyone trying to edit or analyze the piece to make notes and corrections between lines, which is super important.

     Just ... double space, okay?  It's the standard submission convention, and single-spacing makes it difficult for others to take your work seriously, because it's one of the first things they teach (or should teach) in a high school English class.

5.  Twelve point TNR font

     Again, if you're looking to submit your work, you need to adhere to standard convention, and standard convention is twelve point Times New Roman font.  Create it in any font you want, but know that before you submit, 99% of the places you things off to are going to ask for 12pt TNR.

     Of course, some companies might prefer Arial or Verdana, or Courier New, or something else that's a little off-the-wall, so make sure you check the preferences of every agent/publishing company you submit to BEFORE you submit, and make any necessary revisions to format.

4 Conventions To Use Sparingly

     When writing, there are certain things you can use judiciously--such as the word "said" when adding dialogue tags--and things you should hardly ever use at all--such as the interrobang.  Most things fall somewhere in the middle, though.  This article concerns those things that fall toward the latter end of the spectrum, based primarily on observations I've made while perusing fanfiction over the years.  
     You can't really write a book without most of these things, but you do want to be careful when using...

1.  ALL-CAPS

     ALL-CAPS DENOTES TWO THINGS:  YELLING AND YELLING.

     Nobody likes being yelled at, so cool it with the all-caps sentences.  They're great for flavor now and again, but if you find yourself making frequent use of them, go over your work and ask yourself if it's really necessary.  Most of the time your audience can already tell a character is excited, either from context clues, or written cues, or the content of the conversation they're having; there's no need to patronize them.  
     Personally, I try not to use capslock at all, but I do find it slipping in every now and again, which again, is fine: all things in moderation is basically the thesis statement of this listicle.  Personally, I find caps to be most appropriate,
 a) When a character is really, really SUPER angry, and needs to scream his little lungs out,
 b) When a character off-stage is talking to a character on-stage, and vice-versa (ie, yelling downstairs to Mom or out the window to Best Friend)
 c) When you need to emphasize a word but italics and bold type don't seem to give it the right sort of oomph (see a)
 and d), When viewing a written work that is in all caps, such as the name of a store, or if a character has chosen to use it in some type of correspondence (letter, chatlog, twitter, etc.) either because it's simply in their character to do so, or because of something tied more to the plot--a secret code, maybe, or bad handwriting, or she forgot to check to see if caps was on, etc.
     (I bet you can guess which is my favorite)

2.  ¡¡¡¡¡¡Eclamation!!!!!! ¡¡¡¡¡¡Points!!!!!!!

     I see!!!!!  That you're!!!!!  Excited!!!!  And that's good!!!!! But we got it!!! The first time!!!! 

     Exclamation points are really handy for telling us very quickly that there's some oomph to what's been said--especially useful are the upside-down exclamation marks that people of the Spanish tongue use, but if you're in American, unless you're using them in the Spanish language or for a special effect at a certain part of your novel (see above), I would resist the urge to sprinkle your manuscript with them, as they are nonstandard punctuation and would likely never make it into print.
     So yes, exclamation points are really useful, and help us do away with a lot of clunky adverbs and replacements for "said," but littering every other sentence with a slew of them ultimately results in their devaluation; it appears amateur, childish, and over-enthusiastic but under-practiced.  
     Some would say not to use exclamation points in narration at all, but personally I would say to use them sparsely in your narrative, and to choose carefully where they're placed.  Make sure also, when writing dialogue, to keep in mind the type of character you're using--would the grumperpuss who mops the floor really use that exclamation point right there?  Or would he be more likely to putz and putter around with periods or dashes or ellipses?  
     I'd also suggest that--except in cases of character correspondence--you avoid the use of multiple exclamation points in a row.  Overdoing it can be just as dangerous--if not more so--than underdoing it.

3.  Question???? Marks?????

     I??? Think????? My personality????? has been consumed????? by???? uptalk???????

     Much like the above, the overuse of question marks in your writing appears childish and inattentive, and overdoing it makes you seem incapable of moderation, has the reader wondering if your keyboard is broken, and, when use in dialogue, can make your characters seem indecisive, over-excited, and, at times, very valley-girl-esque.
     That being said, like always, there are exceptions--namely correspondence, but--and perhaps it's a matter of taste--an extra question mark slipped in here or there never killed anybody.  Question marks have a lot less zest than exclamation points, and you can probably get away with a second or a third in dialogue with a particularly excitable character, which could help you avoid the awkward union of exclamation point and question mark (that could be so easily done away with if only the interrobang were considered proper punctuation *heavy sigh*).  
     Which brings us to--

4.  "'"'Punctuation Combos!?,.:;"'"'

     "And then they were like, "You're skipping the example line!?'..."

     Punctuation combos can be both necessary and difficult.  What do you do when a quote ends with a period, but is posed as a question, for example?  Or if your etc. is the end of the sentence, or if it needs a comma afterward, what do you do when you really need to show that this question is a loud, excited, and astonished one, what if what if what if.
     Yes, combos are completely necessary!  But they can also be confusing.  You could always try using nonstandard punctuation, but again, it's unlikely to get past your editors, and some of it is still copyrighted.  Basically, your best course of action is to be careful and keep a watchful eye.  Do your best to minimize the need for combos, structure your sentences in such a way that they're obliterated.
     As suggested above, you could use a double question mark to denote excitement, or put a sentence IN ALL CAPS?  Which produces a different effect!?  But might be the one you're looking for!!  
     And if worst comes to worst, you can always ask a fellow writer friend if they think it looks right, or if it's too confusing.  Not confusing the reader is the entire reason we have grammar, after all.

     If the reader is irritated with our story, we want it to be because the bad guy is winning or because the hero did something stupid, not because the structural components have been overdone.  I've honestly walked away from decent storylines before because the writer didn't know when to shut off the capslock, or how many exclamation points to cap it at--a lot of these flubs go hand-in-hand, and are usually drawn in a sleigh of bad grammar in general.  
     Keep an eye on such things.  The characters and plotline are tantamount, surely, but most people won't stick around to learn about either if they feel that the structure is getting in the way.  (No one wants to look at the scaffolding, we just want to see the house.)